The Gobert Tapes (Parts 3 & 4)

It’s July 1st. The one year anniversary of quite possibly the strangest blockbuster trade in recent NBA history. After a year long quest. I have obtained the tapes that explain how such a bizarre trade actually went down. I’ll release the transcripts in two parts.

Unfortunately in the AI/misinformation society I feel compelled to include this disclaimer— this is not real. Just my (hopefully) humorous take on a confusing move)

part 3: The Trade Call

Participants: Justin Zanik (General Manager-Utah Jazz), Danny Ainge (CEO of basketball operations-Utah Jazz) Tim Connelly (Director Basketball Operations- Minnesota Timberwolves)

(phone ringing)

Ainge: TIMAAAAAY,

Connelly: Nobody calls me that

Ainge: Did you see my Royce O’Neal trade. Gave away a starter for a measly 1st round pick. I told you I—I mean Justin was turning over a new leaf. Speaking of which. I’m just going to us get started. But the final call goes with Justin. I’m just a figurehead.

Connelly: Ok I want Donavan Mitchell.

Ainge: Not a problem at all. However he’s a CAA client. You know what that means. I have to clue them in. More than willing to do that. It’s just going to take a minute. They are all in NEW YORK right now. Donovan’s at a Mets game in NEW YORK tonight. I could call Rick Pitino. But dang he is busy in NEW YORK too. It’s a crazy town. Lots of stuff to do. Hard to get a hold of people.

Connelly: I see what you are doing. You’re telling me you’re going to trade him to the Knicks to make him happy.

Ainge: Me? I don’t give a rip about that. Have you seen my trading history? But once again. I’m not making the trade. I don’t know what Justin is going to do. I just know Donovan wants to be in New York. Do you want an unhappy Mitchell playing the same position and stunting the growth of Anthony Edwards?

Connelly: No, I guess that just leaves Rudy Gobert. I don’t really want him

Ainge: You don’t want a three time NBA Defensive Player of the year? You don’t want a three time NBA All Star. You don’t want a guy who shares an agent with Victor Wembanyama. What if Rudy loves Minnesota. Convincing big Vic to force his way to the Twin Cities.

Connelly: That is quite a resume. I didn’t think about the Wembanyama part. Come on though. He plays the same position as KAT (Karl Anthony-Towns) I’m not giving you KAT. I was prepared for a Mitchell proposal. I don’t even know what I would offer. I’ll have to call back.

Ainge: Don’t do that Tim. I know I said I don’t do trades anymore. But let me take a quick swing with the old trade machine and see if I can work it out. I just want to show you how little we looking for.

Connelly: I guess, but Danny he plays the same position as KAT. I don’t even need him.

Ainge: Hold on a second. Do they really play the same position? KAT claims to be the greatest shooting big man of all time. Does he protect the rim.

Connelly: No but we have a plan to work on it.

Ainge: A plan.. a plan! Where is that guy I once knew? That guy who said I’m going to take a pudgy Serbian kid and build my team around him in the small ball age. Where is the guy who said I’m still going to take Michael Porter Jr with some of the shakiest medicals in draft history? He had a broken back for crying out loud. That guy didn’t need a plan. He zigged when others zagged.

Connelly: That guy is still here. He is alive and kicking. You’re right. I’m going to one up Denver. They think they can win with one big? I’m going to do it with two. Two that complement each other well. I have a huge contract. I have the equity. What do I have to worry about? Let’s do it.

Ainge: Easy there, let’s see what the trade machine spits out first. (Pause) Alright to make the salaries work let’s go Malik Beasley, Patrick Beverly, Leandro Bolmaro and Jarred Vanderbilt.

Connelly: That’s it? Are you serious? I’ll do that right now

Ainge: Easy, I don’t make trades. I’ll pass this along to Justin. He’ll have to take it to ownership first. Remember we don’t have power that you do Tim. I’ll have Justin call back in a few hours. But I have a good feeling about this.

(phone hangs up)

Zanik: I have so many questions. I don’t even know where to start. I guess we need to go take this to ownership.

Ainge: We are not doing that. Ryan (Smith) trusts me implicitly.

Zanik: So what are we doing?

Ainge: We need to kill a few hours. Make Connelly get a little a nervous. A little jumpy or desperate. I heard that Top Gun Maverick movie was pretty good. Want to go with me?

part 4: The Final Call

Ainge: Remember to read script just how I wrote it. I think I crossed out all of the Nets references.

Zanik: Ok, got it

(phone ringing)

Connelly: DAAAAAAAAANY!

Zanik: This is Justin. Danny doesn’t make trades. Um…our new owner likes the deal. He just doesn’t like the optics. He doesn’t want to make it look like we are just giving Rudy away. He has meant a lot to this franchise.

Connelly: So what are you thinking?

Zanik: Since we are basically giving you a championship roster. We thought we could get some first round picks.

Connelly: How many are you thinking?

Zanik: Maybe four.

Connelly: Four! I thought we had a deal

Ainge: Hey this is Danny. I’m sorry it’s just the new owner. Justin talked him down from five. He also wanted multiple pick swaps. Justin talked him down to one. All the way in 2026. It won’t matter you are going to be raising banners anyway. Remember Tim we don’t have the juice you do. This is the best we can do. It’s ownership.

Connelly: Man that is a lot of picks.

Zanik: Since you are going to have two bigs. Could you also throw in Walker Kessler as well? He’s not even going to get to play. We don’t even think he is that good. Just looking out for the kid.

Connelly: So it’s Beasley, Beverly, Bolmaro, and Vanderbilt, and Kessler.

Ainge: You are not going miss any of those guys

Connelly: But the picks. I might miss those.

Ainge: You are not going to miss them on your victory parades.

(Long Pause)

Connelly: Alright let’s do it. Call the league. I just got Hakeem and Ralph Sampson. Robinson and Duncan. No more playing in games in Minnesota.

Ainge: I’m happy you’re happy. I told you trading with me was easy. I’m a new man.

Connelly: Thaks guys

(phone hangs up)

Zanik: Now what?

Ainge: I really liked that Top Gun movie. Let’s watch it again.