The Gobert Tapes (Parts 1 & 2)

It’s July 1st. The one year anniversary of quite possibly the strangest blockbuster trade in recent NBA history. After a year long quest. I have obtained the tapes that explain how such a bizarre trade actually went down. I’ll release the transcripts in two parts.

(Unfortunately in the AI/misinformation society I feel compelled to include this disclaimer— this is not real. Just my (hopefully) humorous take on a confusing move)

Part 1: The Mark

Participants: Justin Zanik (General Manager-Utah Jazz), Danny Ainge (CEO of basketball operations-Utah Jazz)

Zanik: Danny, I did my best. But that was just too much an ask.

Ainge: Too much of an ask? All I said was—

Zanik: You told me to get a Celtics/Nets like return for either Rudy Gobert or Donovan Mitchell. That’s absurd, you fleeced the Nets with Pierce and Garnett. Nobody is making that trade again.

Ainge: You know my favorite coined phrase— history always repeats itself

Zanik (muffled): You didn’t make that up

Ainge (talking over Zanik) Every good heist or con needs one thing?

Zanik: (awkward silence) Leverage? Incriminating evidence to blackmail someone with?

Ainge: No! You are not an agent anymore. You need a mark. Someone so desperate to make a move that they lose their senses. Billy King is a good guy. Look how smart Bobby Marks is on TV now. I got one over on them because they had a Russian billionaire promising the Nets a championship within five years. Once you identify the mark it’s easy. Think Justin.

Zanik: Danny have you watched the news. There are not any Russians billionaires in the league. Probably won’t be for a while…. I keep hearing about this Ishbia guy that has his eyes on the Suns. He might be bringing in Isiah Thomas to run things. That could get weird… but that won’t happen for a while… I got nothing. The league is pretty stable right now.

Ainge: (sighs heavily) Ok, I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you. The mark is Tim Connelly.

Zanik: (stunned silence) Tim Connelly! The guy who took Jokic in the second round? He built the Nuggets. He was just given a five year 40 million dollar contract to run the Wolves. He supposedly has an ownership stake. On what planet is that guy your definition of a mark? He is smart and he is most certainly not desperate.

Ainge: He is desperate— he just doesn’t know it yet.

Part 2: The Call (s)

Participants: Justin Zanik (General Manager-Utah Jazz), Danny Ainge (CEO of basketball operations-Utah Jazz) Tim Connelly (Director Basketball Operations- Minnesota Timberwolves) and Brian Windhorst

(sound of numbers dialing)

Connelly: Hello

Ainge: TIMMAAAAAY!

Connelly: Nobody calls me that. What do you want Danny? Before you ask I’m not trading with you.

Ainge: Didn’t call for a trade. I don’t even run things here. Just a semi retired figurehead. I just wanted to congratulate and talk shop. How did you do it? I mean five years and 40 million. Dang, you even got an ownership stake? I’m boys with the owner here in Utah and I couldn’t even get that.

Connelly: What can I say? I have a good agent.

Ainge: It’s just too bad it won’t mat…… Oh never mind.

Connelly: It won’t what? What were you going to say?

Ainge: I mean you got paid. That’s what it’s all about. But you are never going to get the credit you properly deserve. You built a championship team in Denver and you are taking over a rising nucleus in Minnesota. If either of those teams were to win a championship— I hate to say it. It might be a little hollow.

Connelly: How do you know that? You were obnoxious as a player and I’m getting ready to hang up on you if you don’t start making sense.

Ainge: Whoa…. Easy Tim I’m on your side—the executives side. Did you just watch the finals? The Celtics almost did it. Who traded down to get Tatum? Who had the stones to take Jaylen Brown and Marcus Smart? Who rolled the dice with Robert Williams? Who built that team?

Connelly: You did Danny

Ainge: Did you hear my name at all on those finals broadcasts? It was all about how Ime changed the culture. All about Brad. Not a peep about Danny Ainge (sighs and pauses) But I already have plenty of rings. It’s you I’m worried about. You’re the man who took Jokic at #41. You built the Nuggets. The same thing will happen to you if the Nuggets win it next year.

Connelly: They’ll mention me… they’ll thank me…. Won’t they?

Ainge: This is difficult Tim. But trust me they won’t. They won’t even send you a ring. Even worse. You are taking over a young (big cough) championship roster in Minnesota. You didn’t draft any of them. You are not going to get any credit for Minnesota’s success either. It’s real dilemma, but hey you got an ownership stake. Oh yeah speaking of owners. I hear A-Rod is coming in. I got to know him on during the Yanks/Sox rivalry. Great guy, real stable, doesn’t make hasty emotional decisions. He should be an excellent owner to work for.

Zanik: That’s enough Danny. I can’t take it anymore! You win. How do you think I got this deal? A-Rod is going to be a horrible owner. He’s already breathing down my neck and he doesn’t even own the team yet. I got paid but I’m in trouble. I don’t know how to get out of this mess.

(Long Pause)

Ainge: Now Tim, I’m only trying to help. You could put your own imprint on team. I don’t know. Swing for the fences with a blockbuster trade.

Connelly: I see what you are doing. I’m not trading with you. You never lose a trade.

Ainge: Well a few things Tim. I am trying to help you. I don’t even make trades anymore. I’ll let you set the terms. In fact let’s do this. You decide what you want and we’ll reconvene. As a show of faith I’ll prove to you that the Jazz are willing to lose a trade. Sound fair?

Connelly: I guess I can live with that. But I’ll be watching.

(Phone hangs up)

Zanik: What do we do now?

Ainge: We play my favorite game. It’s called Woj, Shams, or Windy. It’s just like rock, paper, scissors. It’s how I pick what insider to leak to.

Zanik: You are going to leak the Timberwolves conversations? You don’t even have a framework.

Ainge: No, I’m not doing that. Just watch. Let’s play the game 1-2-3. Windy it is.

(Phone Dialing)

Windhorst: Hello

Ainge: WINDAAAAAAAY!

Windhorst: Nobody calls me that

Ainge: We’ll anyway. I’ll cut right to it. I’m trading Royce O’Neale to Nets for a 1st round pick

Windhorst: So. What do you want me to do with that?

Ainge: It is the precursor to a complete rebuild here in Utah

Windhorst: Interesting, can I report that?

Ainge: No, here is what I want you to do. I want to send a signal to another GM that I am serious about losing a trade. So announce the trade. Then ask a bunch of leading questions, but don’t answer them. Point both fingers in the air. Do some strange mannerisms. Make it clear you know something big is coming.

Windhorst: Why would I do something that ridiculous?

Ainge: Just trust me. You’ll be a social media star. You’ll be a a…. oh what do the kids call it?

Windhorst: A meme? You might be right, but I need more than that.

Ainge: Ok you win. I promise I’ll make some stupid trade at the deadline to take Westbrook off LeBron’s hands. I’ll get him Malik Beasley and DeAngelo Russell or something like that.

Windhorst: The Timberwolves? I see what you are doing?

Ainge: That’s all I’m saying. Now go do the meme thing.

(phone hangs up)

Zanik: What on Earth did you just do? You haven’t even talked to the Nets yet. How can you do that?

Ainge: Trust me…. I don’t need to call. I know how to make a deal with the Nets.

Parts 3 and 4 coming soon. If I don’t get sued first